يوم جميل تستحي أن تقول فيه يا ليت


يوم عرفت فيه أني في نعيم لأن لدي صوت به أتكلم، وطاقة أرسم بها، و أرض أمشي عليها

إني على قيد الحياة

رغم أن الجنيات يرغبن في شنقي، و جوع غريب يعتريني، فلم أعد أقرأ الوقت، و لا أفهمه

زوال الخوف
زوال الليل من عيناي
و ضجيج المكتبة كل يوم

اليوم عرفت أن الحرب طبيعة، يشعلها الرجل بأسلوب مباشر، مريح، يقتل فيه عدوه
لكن المرأة حين تحارب، تقتل كل شيء.. و لا أحد ينكر الطبيعة في العدم، مكروهة المرأة حين تحارب، حين تذهب، حين تبدأ في الكلام

كنت مخلوقا نائما، موؤدا لا يراد مني يقظة، كائن الانتظار الذي ينفث قصص الحب و الظلم و الزوال، من محض أحلام
و الآن استيقظت خائنة لذاتي، أبارز الريح لا أرجو سكنا لها، و لا خنوع للغبار الهائج بيننا، اصدحي موسيقى السيوف و انسلي من هاويات الحياة. لا تهدئي، أججيها صيحات من تراب، و ضحكات عظام، تنثر الأفراح في جرف كسيح

أعلم أن لن تدحري يا ريح فما هذا مرادي، أريدك تكرهيني، تبعديني أكثر إلى زحام لا أرى فيه أحد
فأنت وهم رعب مندفع، محظية من محظيات الروح آثرت العزف على أوتار الجسد
غضبا تعزفين بألحانك الأبدية، أعلم أنك لن تموتي و لكني مُسَيّرة أقاتل

The Suicidal Oud


"I'm sure I heard its sound!" she said fiercely as she was examining her broken Oud. I was wondering how she heard its sound among all the children's fuss tonight, but I was silent. I know she loves that Oud very dearly although she never knew how to use it. She instead took many photos with it, very symbolic indeed, the Oud in our feminine room.

It is pretty old, and was given away to her two years ago by my uncle who seemingly lost the interest.

After an ironic silence she exclaimed in rather a threatning manner: "It is certainly Khaled! but I will ask each and every little thing came in this room this night."

"But don't ask them altogether", I said.

"I will, but not after asking each one of them individually. In this way no one will have a chance to cheat on me, they can't fool me" She replied with glowing eyes from the action of detecting. She left the room afterward to show my parents the horrible accident. And I was still thinking how Khaled -the youngest of all- could have the strength to do such harm to the Oud? The Oud's neck was sheared and all the strings were pulled so violently from their normal tension. Besides, how come a child puts back the broken Oud right in its place after shattering it to pieces?
There was a song in an old Kuwaiti operate about a man got his broken Oud fixed and confronting his teasing wife by praising it. I thought maybe the Oud is destined with despair and unfortunate events.

6 pm, biting her nails and her eyes wide open staring at the thinking position. She was revising the order of her questions.

I was late to the court of justice so I couldn't witness all the trial, I reached the "altogether" part. What I realized is that the defendants felt really sorry for the judge, they were trying to make it easy for her. They all denied it and she gave the broken Oud to them as a memorial of bad deeds.

I heard rumers after that about 6 years old Zaina, she is more likely to lie with the ease of a professional criminal. Zaina told me once that she doesn't like to listen to songs "I only like to compose songs" she explained with pride.

Everything is calmed down.

Two days later, we came back to our room at night. I didn't open the light depending on the hall lamp. I got a gentle strike on the head!
"Hey! what was that?!" I thought it was a hang fell from a shelf. I touched it and it was no hang, but something was hanged. She came in opening the lights.

The Oud's neck was hanged by its strings from the chandelier. It was dangling like a swing after the hit. It was fastened very carefully to the chandelier. There was even a small wooden piece to prevent it from falling if the knots ever loosen up. She tried to open it, but I stopped her. I told her that I like it, and I want to take a photograph of it. While I was taking the photos, she was asking my brother and parents about who hanged it, but no one did.

We allowed it to swing over our heads whenever we open the cupboard to get a dress.

My elder sister called, they traveled away for a vacation. She said her husband was opening the curtains in the morning, and suddenly their 3 years old son screamed: "THEY OPENED ALONE! THEY OPENED ALONE!"
"What are they my dear??"
"MY EYES!"

9 am, again I opened my eyes as if programmed to open them everyday at this particular time without alarm sounds. Staring at the ceiling, there were two blue tacks stuck since I was a child, I remember tiny gulls flying there, one less crowded than the other. I used to wonder about them, how real they were, and how I loved to make them move, when my father lift me high. they touched like ceramics, and they sounded so as I wave my hand in the middle of the gulls troop. I solved its mystery when my mother cut my hair after the chewing gum had fallen from my mouth while I was sleeping, but I still wondered how they found a blue chewing gum.
"maybe it's blueberry flavor" I used to say.

The chandeliers were gone as soon as we started to sleep in this room. I didn't notice that, I only remember myself watching them in the living room of our chalet. I remember this image because I was crying and fascinated with the light coming through my tears from a yellowish lamp right behind the cyramic gulls. As I tighten the muscles of my eyes, the birds looked bigger, and even more real, though blury. Then from my place on the ground I close one eye and try to pick the birds by my two little fingers.

I knew later that our room used to be the play room for my elder siblings until I grew older and my sister was born. They moved the books to my grandfather's room, the dolls to the books room and me and her to the dolls room and finally the birds to the chalet because we could reach them easily by standing on the beds.

"Isn't it wonderful to make a birds chandelier to revive those blue spots in the ceiling", said to myself as I recalled the great fall of those gulls, they were my obsession and I wonder if I was the one who destroyed them at the end.

She woke up and sat on her bed next to me, watching me with empty eyes. "I think it is time to remove that hanged Oud" she said in a lazy voice "it's annoying, I'm not used to it, it always hits me in the head".

Two days later, it is still hanged.

October Effect


I'm starting a new chapter today. The two previous weeks were awkward between sickness, childhood, silence and staring [photography too]. Today I have the needed power to hold my colored pencils, ink and crayons.

The weather is wonderful... BEAUTIFUL! I'm speechless dear weather, I bet it's the October effect.

My feelings lessen as I get smaller and smaller but wonders are getting bigger and bigger. Thus, a story should be told in all the means of expression. until we find a way to decode the scripts of shadows.

رسالة


إلى إله الشمس، إله آب اللهاب

أضم الكون قربانا إليك، و أصنع من جسدي دمية لمحرقة الشمس. كأنها كانت تُسِرَّ لي وقتا غير الذي تعلنه على الظلال، وقتا لطاقة الكون حين تسري بيننا نحن البشر فتنفرج لغات الدنيا عن طلاسمها و تنكشف للعموم كما النور، كما فرحة العيد

شمسك إلهي شاهدة على أحلى أيامي، على حياة دبّت فيّ من بعد حياتي، ما أقوى صرختها، وضوء بالنور و صلاة في حِجْرِها، صفير الريح في أوصالي، و أرواح تزاحم جسدي، و طيف، كأن أطياف الدنيا اجتمعت فيه. يتمثل لي ليخبرني ما هي العينان، و لماذا
يحكي لي أحيانا و يسكت دهرا، و في صمته تتشكل الأيام. في صمته سامرية، أرفع بها رأسي ،و يغشى دمعتي الثوب. أخط على الرمال خطوا جليلا، يذله النغم. في صمته.. نعيم المغنين

شمسك إلهي أرتني قمما من أشجار الكروم، أحاديث القطار، و عيون أثينا الزرقاء

شمسك إلهي، عانقَت كل شيء، أفقدَتني الوعي، و سلبَتني تباشير السحب. هددَتني بحياة في قاع الخليج، هدّدَتني بأمنيتي
شمسك إلهي لا تريد زوالا، على الأقل من ذاكرتي، أو عيني إن نامتا

زوارة


٣ فوق الستين
٥ بين الثلاثين و الأربعين
٦ في العشرينات
٥ بين العشرة و الثامنة عشر

-

وانا طالعة من العزاء شفتها
منو قاعد بالعزاء؟
سعر البقدونس قبل الشدة بخمسين فلس الحين ٣٥٠
توهم طالعين من العزاء كاهم الحين يايين
(تعليق على محدث بالتلفزيون) بيت جيراننا كنا نلعب مع خواته، كبر الحين ما شاءالله كان شعره حلو
الأبلة سألت منو رئيس الصف
بقالي ٦ مواد علما أتخرج بس ما أدري أخلصهم على جم فصل
انا ما قاعدة أسجل المواد اللي تنزل في كيفان ..تييني قمتة لما أروح هناك
مع السلامة انا ماشية
تو الناس أم محمد
مابي أتأخر عليه
الأبلة ذاك اليوم زفتهم زف
بعد قرقيعان و دي جي .. يا حافظ ما سنّت، حوسوا على البيوت و خلصنا
يمه شوفيلي التليفون المسجات مادري شفيها ما توصل
حسافة على اللي داخل الكوسا، لولوة تحطه مع السلطة
شحلو شعرج صاير
اي اول مرة احط له سن إن ..بروحي بعدين اخترب جان اروح الصالون
وراهم ليلحين ما يو.. يقولون وايد زحمة الشوارع
الجزر صغار و غالي
طافتكم اليوم الهوشه اللي صارت عند الفرعي، نزلوا من سياييرهم و ياهم رجال يفاككهم
شنو تتابعين برمضان؟

تشويش لا أسمع شيئا

إي عزاء رمضان معروف كله زحمة
وصف مفصل حق بدلة العيد
(تحلطم) هالخير و النعمة ! لين بغيت أتسحر ماكو شي ..كله ماخذينه هالخدام.. مت من اليوع، جان آخذ عباتي و اروح المطعم الفجر

سليمان عنده واجب عربي، شنو كلمة على وزن سلمى؟
ملهى..مرسى..
على وزن سأل؟
دأب
السوالف تحولت على الصبيان اللي اشتغلوا عندهم
اثنين تخانقوا، واحد قص أذون رفيقه يوم نادوا الشرطة طلب ٥٠ دينار تعويض ..سعر أذونه
يا حلو كنتكم ماشاءالله تهبل ذاك اليوم شفتها يايتكم

ثلاثة من الحريم ساكتين طول القعدة

الله يا ذيك الحجة بالطواف، ما وعينا الا هاللي يدزونّا و يقولون "حِريم ..حِريم" و الا رياييل محاوطين حريم.. بس ملفلفين بحمر، جان يتحلطم محرمنا يقول هذيله حريم! هذيله فندال .. وايا العمايم اللي بروسهم
اي في بعد حريم يسون بين نقابهم و وجههم مثل المسافة على شان يتنسمون

اي آي فون ينباع بخالد بن الوليد

يتني وحدة توزع ماي بمنى.. تالي جان تقوم و ترقص و الناس تصفق "شدة يالورد شدة" ..الظاهر ناذرة
وحدة يت اسألتني بالحج ليش تلبسين اسود.. بعد ما اعرف غيره، بس هي حسبالها محزنين

قامت وحدة.. هذي الساعة المباركة

خطبة جديدة
فلانة شتصير حق فلانة، منو ماخذها اي بنيتها رفيقة بنتي

أمي و خالتي توهم دخلوا.. أصوات الدخول من سلام و قُبَل

يسولفون عن واحد انشهر بقصة توبة
هو حلو؟
اي! ما شفتيه؟؟
حلات السفرة شهر
شلون لبنان؟
يانا حر بس يا حلوها
يهبل اليوم الهريس
تعالي عسى وصلتكم نقصتي
طيوبة فازت اليوم بسحب بالطابور حق مسابقة رمضان

تفضلوا على السحور

Only Yesterday


The little girl who is pushing her forward, is the ten-years old her..

Once she stepped in the train, came in running with rushing breath, an old farmer. He was the only other passenger with a bag in a hand and an old fashion record player wherefrom came out this song.. And wherefrom little she, and her friends from the 5th grade emerged to decide for her.

Some say Love, it is a river,
that drowns the tender reed.

Some say Love, it is a razor,
that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say Love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.

I say Love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
that never learns to dance.

It's the dream, afraid of waking,
that never takes a chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give.

And the soul, afraid of dyin',
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely,
and the road has been too long.

And you think that love is only,
for the lucky and the strong.

Just remember in the Winter,
far beneath the bitter snows.

Lies the seed,
that with the sun's love,
in the Spring becomes the Rose.

-

The lyrics were written, and it was the end. I went upstairs. Beautiful night with flirty breeze. Holded my tears watching the street from the parapet. "Our house is right in front of the alley between the two schools!", little me corrected for all the friends who said that our house is near to school. The fences of that alley are changed this year, leaving no trace of graffiti along the way. "The alley between the two schools" that was it, and still, the low fence of the middle school and the high fence of the high school. Off to my room, I realized the moon, just about to complete its circle, I was busy wandering down that dark old alley, back and forth. The long walk back then with all the thoughts on the way, is a swing in my present mind. And the moon, in a counter habit, secretly watched.